To Gloucester Township Park…
When I got sober almost 4 years ago my life is not what I pictured it would look like today. I’m not sure how I pictured it, but I know it didn’t look like this. People often tell me there is someone out there that is dying to have a baby. The first thought that runs through my mind is “but I’m dying to have a family”.
The pain I feel deep down in my soul is when I look to my left and I see a family together- a mother, a father, and a little kid laughing. I can’t help but to stare. I smile back even though I am positive they can see right through me. She catches me staring at her ring, beautifully placed on her left ring finger, and it stings a little bit more. If you are a single parent I wonder if this feeling sounds familiar.
It’s an emptiness that I use to burry deep down inside. Every morning I put on a fake smile because that’s what I was taught to do. You never let anyone know how much you are struggling.. they won’t think you are grateful for what you have. Behind closed doors I cried myself to sleep every night when my son was a newborn.
At the time I longed for physical help, but over the past few years that feeling turned into an emotional desire to share this experience with someone. Someone that will love my son the way I do. Someone that will accept that he will always come first. Someone that has a hunger to live life the way I do. Someone that will dance with us in the kitchen late at night.
Since my son was a baby we have always come to Gloucester Township Park. This is our safe place. A place for my son to run around and be a kid without a care in the world. We laugh, we play, and we take lots of pictures. Finally, we always go and get food after.
We woke up this morning in my apartment that I built for the two of us. It has been our home since 2016. We drive to the park and I have this overwhelming feeling. I look at my son climbing the slides and realize that he is the happiest little boy I have ever laid eyes on. It dawns on me that he doesn’t know any different.
His mommy is a stable, consistent person in his life and that’s all he needs. She’s doing the best she can with what she has. She’s tired- mentally and physically. She strives to give her son more. She asks herself if she will ever be able to give him what she had growing up. This is my truth. I share it with you to be able to let another single parent know they are never alone.
Last year, I heard a woman at my home group share something that has always stuck with me. She said, “God will never put a strong desire in your heart that he will not fulfill.” Just for today I am going to remain grateful for what I have and the beautiful bond I share with my son. I am also going to have faith that one day it will be my time.
This is for all the couples who are struggling to have a baby, the single parent longing to have a family one day, the college student looking for their soulmate, the individual chasing after their dream job… I know It will happen for me one day, which means it will happen for you too.
-Written by a single, sober, 27 year old mother.