To My 20s…
Who am I?
What do I want?
What am I good at?
Am I doing this mom thing right?
Is this who I am supposed to be?
These are all questions I asked myself for years. There’s no denying that I had to “grow up fast”. In my early 20’s I was thrown into motherhood, and I did what I had to do, the best I could, at the time. I got up in the morning, I put the “face” on, and I went to work to provide for me and my son. But I felt like a lost puppy just trying to find its way home.
As first-time mother’s usually do, I lost focus of myself. After a few years, another break-up later, and a lot of tears, I finally came to the conclusion that I was unhappy in my own life – but why? I had a stable job, a beautiful home I created for myself, a happy & healthy son, and the best friends & family a girl could EVER ask for.
So... why was I in so much pain?
I realized that I was unhappy with my life because I had no idea who I was, where I was going, and what I wanted out of life just wasn’t happening fast enough.
What I really wanted was a family. I had this deep desire to never have to be a single mother ever again. The work of raising my son alone was paralyzing at times. And I’m not referring to the physical work, that I could do, but it was the emotional work that took its toll.
It was the emotional pain of watching your son take steps for the first time, turning around to celebrate, just to realize no one was there. This happened quite often. But it was nothing a video or FaceTime with my girls couldn’t temporarily fix.
Years passed, relationships came and went, but the one thing that stayed consistent was the beautiful bond I share with my son. He was my family; I just couldn’t feel it yet. It seemed to always feel like something was missing.
I was now in my late 20’s and more confused than ever. I never was that little girl that knew what she wanted to be when she grew up. I wholeheartedly felt lost in every area of my life.
My aunt used to tell me that she wouldn’t dare go back to her 20’s. “Those were some of the hardest years of my life, because I wanted stability, but there just wasn’t any”.
I thought about that. The fact that my 20’s were filled with so much uncertainty, discomfort, experiment, but most importantly, personal growth.
What I really want to say to my 20’s is that you taught me a hell of a lot.
You taught me how to have faith. You taught me how to no longer need everything figured out, yesterday. You taught me how to love and be loved. You taught me how to stick up for myself. You taught me my worth. You taught me my desires. You taught me that life is a journey, and not a destination. You taught me that every single one of us is on a different path, and that her path does not have to look like mine. You taught me that I am no better or worse than the girl standing next to me in the grocery store. You taught me that time doesn’t really matter. You taught me that there is no rush. You taught me that nothing really defines you as “making it” in life.
Finally…you taught me that I am one hell of a woman.
Through the pain, through the chaos, through the fight, through the tears, I learned.
I learned that sometimes you must bloom where you are planted.
I want to say thank you to my 20’s, for it was my 20’s that taught me a little more about myself- and it looks nothing like I thought it would look, but it feels remarkable.