To That One Year…

“Sometimes it takes 10 years to get that 1 year that will change your life.”

For me, it took 6 years. 6 years to get that 1 year that changed my life…forever.

I say 6 years because that was the beginning of my new life. A life where I was finally free from drugs and alcohol. At 23 years old I had the opportunity for a do-over, something most people don’t ever get. I could have been anyone I wanted to be. Exciting right? But somehow it seemed that life had already picked a path for me…and I felt forced to adjust to it. I’m not sure if anyone else can relate to this feeling, but it was real to me.

As I was trying to navigate being sober (an entirely new way of living), working my first big girl job, and raising my newborn baby I seemed to develop these desires for myself. Desires so deep, so real, they were almost suffocating. But why? Why was it that they seemed so paralyzing to me?

I have the answer now, but I didn’t for a long time. Those desires, you know the ones deep inside of your heart, seemed so painful to me because they weren’t happening. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did. And throughout the first few years, I can say I tried pretty damn hard.

So, I became “that” girl. That girl who showed up to the housewarmings, the engagements, the showers, the holidays, and the birthdays, with a present in my hand and a smile on my face. Alone, confused, but most importantly, envious. Little to nobody knew that I would hold it together during every event but then, like clockwork, I would get in my car and sob the entire ride home. And I’m talkin every…single…time.

I just wanted to be happy for all of the big, exciting things that were happening for everyone around me. Why couldn’t I just be happy for them? Was I really that selfish of a person? Was I really that bitter? It made me feel guilty inside, like I was a bad person or a horrible friend. The reality was, I was happy for them…I was just sad for myself.

It took me years to understand that you’re allowed to feel multiple emotions at the same time. It doesn’t make you a bad or selfish person. Emotions are real and they are yours. Nobody can tell you that you aren’t allowed to feel something. But most importantly, you should never tell yourself that you aren’t allowed to feel something…and that was my biggest problem.

Once I understood that I was allowed to feel both happy and sad, I could breathe again. I felt confident in the fact that it just wasn’t “my time”. I felt at peace being the girl who showed up to events just her and her son. I felt joy for my friends around me, but still allowed myself to feel sad for me too, if I needed to.

I just kept wondering when it would be “my time” and what that would even look like?

I did have this repeating picture in my head…

A nice house with a wraparound porch, 2.5 kids, a job, vacations, all with the love of my life and my children.

So…I just kept waiting. Waiting to find the job of my dreams, waiting to find the husband of my dreams, waiting and waiting.

Don’t get me wrong, I was working hard to move up in my career, and I did, but for some reason it wasn’t fulfilling me…at least not in the way that I thought it should. I was working hard to be the best mother I could be to my son, but for some reason it wasn’t fulfilling me…at least not in the way that I thought it should. I was working harder than ever on myself to become content with being a single mother, knowing that I’ll find him when I stop looking. So that’s exactly what I did, I genuinely stopped looking.

I started focusing on myself and my dreams. And not the dreams I had as a mother or a wife someday. The dreams I so graciously unlocked once I let the dreams from the past go. The dreams that I could no longer force or control.

I finally decided to remove my bloody hands. The hands that were so tightly gripped in the bondage of self.

And here we are…6 years later.

And I can finally say that it’s “my time.”

No, I didn’t get engaged or married. I didn’t buy a home. I didn’t expand my family this year.

But I did meet my twin flame. A connection I have never experienced before. A connection that is not only emotional and physical, but deeply spiritual as well. One I simply cannot put into words. The love that just fits. The kind that you feel deep in your soul. There’s no doubting, there’s no questioning. He is my person. And he was put on this earth for me.

And finally, I opened my business.

In less than 3 months I got Divine Discovery LLC off the ground. And within 6 months, it took off.

A business that I built from scratch. A business nobody can ever take away from me, because it’s mine. Long days, long nights, long everything. But it is my dream. And it is the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. Each and every one of my clients are so dear to me, so special in their own unique way. I have the most rewarding job on the planet, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I might not have had any money when I first started it, but what I did have was faith. I trusted that because I knew this was my dream, because I am so incredibly passionate about what I do, somehow, someway, God would give me the resources to succeed. And he did. He really, really did. I moved my feet, I took the action, and he provided. He gave me everything I ever needed along the way, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

So today, I move into my very own office. It may not look like much yet… but it is so freakin special to me. It is a safe and loving space I can provide for my clients. It is a space that I no longer have to share. It is a space that I am free to do whatever I want with to make it feel like home.

My point is, sometimes we don’t know how long it’s going to take. Sometimes we feel like we’re working towards a goal but somehow got stuck on this insanely repetitive hamster wheel. Sometimes with just one step our entire world can change. And sometimes, in just one day you could run into someone new, something new, or somewhere new. This means we can’t ever give up…because you never know what’s just around the corner waiting for you.

We can only see what’s directly in front of us, but God has the ability to see far, far beyond that.

“Sometimes it takes 10 years to get that 1 year that will change your life.”

For me, it took 6 years. 6 years to get that 1 year that changed my life…forever.